I want to do SOMETHING that matters

jq · Joined: 02 Dec 2007 Posts: 1124

Anyone else ever go through feeling like nothing they do-- absolutely nothing-- makes any difference at all anywhere? I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how much time I invest in something, it is to no avail. Let me elaborate:

I wrote a book. Spent very long time writing it, editing it, paying a professional proof-reader, formatting it, self-publishing it. What for? I sold 15 copies and I think 3 people have read it. I put all this time into something that absolutely nobody cares about. I enjoy writing, and want to keep doing it. But what for?

Recorded a CD. It is 10 tracks and includes artwork done by me. Self-published. I am currently sending it to radio stations and record labels, and I mentino it on myspace. Whoop dee doo. I have given it away for free to a lot of friends, but nobody really gives me any feedback, and I get zero encouragement. Once again, all this time spent on something that matters to nobody except me.

Tried to help my grandfather. He is dying in a retirement home. I started offering my services (to do anything I can do to help him.) Even though he hasn't been a religious man the past 60 years or whatever, he has decided it is time to be saved. He wants to be baptised. So I told him I would get it done for him. I planned on bringing a reverend into his bedroom and having it be a personal, low key thing (he hates leaving his unit these days because of some of the conditions he suffers from, including dementia, which makes him very confused when he is out of his home.) My family caught wind of it, and turned it into this huge thing. He doesn't like huge things. My dad pretty took over the "project" and now we are driving him 30 miles to where the rest of my family lives so that they can all be there while he gets baptised in a church. Afterwards, like 30 of us are all going and getting dinner afterwards to celebrate.

Sounds great, right? Well it isn't. He doesn't like these big productions. His 80th birthday was a disaster. We had all the family there, 30 miles away from his retirement home, and he was miserable THE ENTIRE TIME. Didn't know where he was, talked of physical pain, was confused by all the people around him, and embarassed. I drove him home early. Everybody else stayed and drank wine and dined. Now we are doing the same thing to him.

Once again-- I tried to do something good-- something that matters-- I love my Grandpa and wanted to do something nice for him, and now it is being turned into something it wasn't intended to be, and it is completely out of my hands. Once again, my contribution is irrelevant. Other people are doing all the organizing.

Everything I do is irrelevant. There is nothing in my life that I do that effects anyone in a positive light.

ANyone else ever feel this way?

JQ

Kizzume · Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 5:18 pm Post subject:

I've definitely had those points in my life. Keep your chin up--things WILL get better.

Ess2s2 · Joined: 04 Dec 2007 Posts: 48

Oh man, I feel that way all the time. You learn to enjoy it, I promise.

Okay, just kidding. First of all with your grandfather. Sit your father down and tell him straight out, "Grandpa doesn't want this. If you respect him at all, and he is most definitely *entitled* to your respect, you will call off the big production and let him have it his way. Remember his 80th? He hated it, and we all knew you did it for you, not him!" Don't let people push you around when you know what is right and what isn't.

As for the personal projects, self-promotion is a bitch. Believe me, I know. I myself wanted to get into music, so I wrote a few songs, pulled them together, self-produced, self-designed, and self-promoted. I got a few copies out there, but ultimately, nothing came to fruition. With 10 years worth of hindight, I now realize part of it was because my music (techno) was poorly made, although the concepts were sound. I now deal in rock, although I still have a love of techno.

Kizzume · Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 5:20 pm Post subject:

Music is one of the hardest fields to get into. Acting would be another. You've just got to keep pushing and improving and pushing more. Music has been my life--music is what I've wanted to do since I was 4. Don't give up.

chuq · Joined: 04 Dec 2007 Posts: 135 Location: Gulf South

JQ--I can sympathize with you on the writing thing. I have been analyzing politics for many many years. I have had a few pieces published but for the most part I feel like I am accomplishing nothing. I have 5 blogs that I write on almost daily and have very few readers, even though I try to promote it as much as possible. Very frustrating! I do not mind if people disagree with me, at least they would be reading. Even with no readership I keep putting my thoughts down as often as possible. why? If I did not I would then feel irevelent..

I guess that when we keep trying is when we have made the difference. Just my thought.

Kizzume · Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 5:21 pm Post subject:

http://studiesandobservations.blogspot.com/

chuq · Joined: 04 Dec 2007 Posts: 135 Location: Gulf South

Thank you for the plug!